Praying is good!

So last night I kinda was like right I've had enough of this whole panicking about theatre studies crap so I'm just going to pray about it and about everything that's been going on... everything. So I did this and well you know the way I was like ahh I can't hear God, it happened! I heard Him! It has given me so much encouragement and I just feel like renewed and I can't wait to share it with everyone on Sunday! I had to tell someone so I texted Peter about it and he was pretty pleased about it and then told me to get some rest as I had an exam today! Haha sensible person! So as I have been encouraged I feel more connected and enthusiastic about things. I've also found myself more relaxed and generally being like, if God wants it it'll happen and if he doesn't it won't! This is the way I want to feel all the time because these past few days have been horrendous with all my rubbish flying about in my head and various degrees of distraction have come about in different forms and it has gone away at exactly the right time! In my exam today (although some of it didn't make sense) I was able to concentrate and not be thinking about stuff that wasn't useful to me at all in this particular moment in time! 

Tonight I was going to head out but some people weren't able to come so I was like yano what I'll just stay in and read or something along those lines and I want to read my Bible and my Crazy Love book. Finally the desire to read Scripture again! I haven't felt it in a week so haven't been bothered with it. (I know sounds bad...). Finally the want to read Scripture has returned and I've never felt so relieved! My desire to read the Crazy Love book left as well and I tried to read it but only got through about 3 pages then I was getting lost in my thoughts! I think I let little things get to me too much. If I only did what I did last night more often and prayed honestly and just spoke to God everything I was feeling at that point in time because I was fed up! I don't want to be feeling like this and my mum even commented on how quiet I was being, I had lost my appetite and just been feeling generally run down for the past few days but now I feel alive again! Ahh God is good! I get so wrapped up when things are going well and when things are going bad, I think I'm a bit of an extreme person. When something goes good, I'll be the happiest person ever but when things go bad, I'm a bit of a downer and want to just be in my room by myself crying or have someone to cry to who doesn't really care if I cry at them and will just give me a hug and tell me everything's okay and when things are mediocre I'm mediocre or happy it's weird I need to sort out my emotions! Maybe this is part of being a teenage girl, just hormonal. I'll take that as an answer!

To be honest I just broke down before God and let it all out. He knows what's going on in my head anyway so why wouldn't I voice it to Him? I just needed to go to Him and say look I need help, I've rejected you pretty much this whole week and I'm sorry. I got 2 pictures last night, one of realization of what I've been doing and the second one was reassurance to me.

1) Got a picture of a door kinda just there with me on one side and there was no one on the other side. There were no walls just a light blue coloured room. The door was being knocked and I just looked at it and walked away. It kept knocking so I went to it and then turned away again. This to me meant that God was always there it's just that I was ignoring Him, then wanting to get back but something else came up and I walked away from Him again.

2) Picture was of these big hands being held out like a beggar but I was sitting in the huge hands as I was in bed. Completely desperate and crying like a baby! Then God spoke to me and these words were in my head, "I've got you." This was a complete sigh of relief to me. "I've got you." Like all the stuff was not too big or too small for God to handle. HE'S GOT ME. He always had I just let the weight of my general being get to me and rest on my shoulders when in fact God just brushes them off like, I'll deal with this. That's what I asked for. I handed it over (finally).

So last night was good for me, all of me! I was able to let things out have someone to talk to and I was able to hear God again. Pretty awesome, I think anyway! 

I'll look back on this blog with a smile on my face and remember what a good night I had with God! 30th May 2012 was a good night, future Charlotte, remember?! 

God has you, and nothing can take that away! He has what He has planned for you too! Pretty darn amazing! 

"I know what I'm doing. I have it all planned out - plans to take care of you, not abandon you, plans to give you the future you hope for." Jeremiah 29:11

Good night, sorry for the extensive blog post!

Charlotte :3  

We made it!

Okay so today wasn't as good as expected but nothing tragic happened like yesterday so it's alright!

So today everyone's been freaking out about our drama exam and I've been frantically writing out notes on Greek theater and the Macbeth play we went to see. Seemingly everything is done so I'm settled on it now and I got a few tips for essay writing from my friend who has a drama degree so I'm very grateful for all his help, Jeff if you're reading this, thanks! I honestly do appreciate it! :) And if not oh well, you might see it some day dude!

So I've just been feeling tired as per usual but tomorrow's a new day and I will live through this exam try and keep myself busy and get through it! I want to have no time left at the end but have the paper finished! Just enough time to read through things and make sure they make sense.

So yeah today's been alright, just been complaining to my best friend, Jess, hi if you're reading :3 She's very good at listening to me when I'm either slagging someone else off (I know I shouldn't do it! But it helps when you're angry!) or slagging myself off telling her I'm going to fail and that I'm genuinely stupid which I still believe I am!

Hope your day has been even slightly better than mine :)

Charlotte :3

And I'm feelin' gooooood...

Happier blog post!

So last night helped me a lot (a prayer walk and a drive). Like seriously a lot!. Didn't help my chest but hey ho my head feels less muddled and I feel more peaceful about my whole situation. I have wonderful friends who don't even need to know what is going on and they'll try and help. They just need to know it's bothering me and they'll try and help me :)

This morning I've woken up feeling a lot better emotionally and well physically I feel horrible and a little bit worn out with this cough/chest infection thing. I can't stop coughing! :( But hey I would prefer to have bad physical health than be all confused and have mood swings! So today will be a good day. I need to look over some stuff for drama tomorrow and apart from that I'll probably be doing nothing! I was going to go to the gym but that doesn't seem like a good idea with the current state of my breathing after walking up the stairs!

I will blog more later and tell you if my day turned out to be good :)

Charlotte :3

My Head is muddled!

Okay so today took me to a whole new level of distraction.

While at dancing I wasn't completely there at all forgetting choreography and such likings but THEN coming home from dancing I was just not paying attention at all. While waiting to go at the gransha road roundabout I was looking ahead at the roundabout as you do and I was just sitting on the clutch waiting for the person in front of me to go. Well I got lost in my thoughts and wasn't looking at the car in front and bumped into it.

There was absolutely no damage done to either car but it made me realize, what if there was no car in front of me? I could have been on the roundabout and had a serious crash. This distracted business isn't doing me any good at all. I know you're all probably thinking that I'm over thinking this but I don't want to be distracted anymore. I hate not being able to concentrate on where I am or where I'm going! I feel so lost in what's been happening recently, and I don't know what I'm meant to do. One minute everything's great, I'm fine and then the next I want to just go and punch something or cry. Right now I want to cry. To be honest with anyone who reads this.

I hate this feeling, it isn't me! This stupid emotional stuff isn't me! I'm a happy person, a really genuinely happy person! Someone called me a ray of sunshine on Sunday night! And that's who I usually am but I'm being brought down by some stupid weight and it's just a combination of things then something else has been added to the top of the weight pile. Having some random chest/throat infection doesn't help either. 

I hope no one else is going through the same as me because I feel like crap,

Charlotte :3

Falling in place...

I need to learn.. Like seriously!

If I put God first then everything else will follow. If I put God first then everything else will follow. If I put God first then everything else will follow.

It's been said you need to say something 3 times to really believe/remember it. (Hence the 3 times up there!) I want to dissect that statement. If I put God first, what does that mean in my life? How does that apply to me? Is it with exams or hobbies, my future. In fact, it's everything. No matter what I need to look to God in everything. Absolutely everything. If I can put God first in anything I do, surely that'll be me living as I should, of course I'll slip up, we all do but I want to do it! Okay, second 1/2, everything else will follow. Basically everything will fit if I put God first, I'll be where God wants me to be, and I want that too but I find hearing God isn't so easy sometimes. I need to be in full scale meditation if I'm to hear God. Informal Worship in my church is a good place to be for this but I want to experience God's voice outside of this as well! I find myself distracted by humanly thoughts instead of concentrating on God. I seriously need to concentrate on my faith, really just listen to God and seek his direction. I don't know what's best for me! I don't want God to look at me and see this 18 year old who's straying off her path, no way! I want my eyes to be set on Him, and to experience Him everyday!

I wrote a song, decided it should be called "Deeper than the Ocean." It's a worship song, completely improvised. Haven't recorded it yet, but I'm considering it! Here's the lyrics:

Lord... I don't deserve your love

And I know that you still love me so

After all that I did

After all the human wastage

And yet you love me still how can it be?

Your love

Goes deeper still!

Like an ocean never ending

Your love goes deeper still!

And all that I have been through lord

And you've been there for me

Only one that I could tell

And yet it feels so real

They come flooding back

But I know that I am with you still

And your love

Goes deeper than an ocean x2

And its going deeper still!

And what should I know from this?

You are what tells me so

And I know your love

Keeps me going strong

And should share this love

Because its deeper than me!

Lord I know

Your love is deeper still!

And I know

When this life ceases to exist

that I'll be with you.

This is basically my testimony in song form. I was in the house by myself some day and I needed an outlet. I needed to sing this! I recorded it so I would remember it and then typed out the lyrics. We'll see what happens with it. 

Sorry for babbling! :)

Charlotte :3

So many butterflies!

Guys... There's so much I want to tell you! But it's a secret! Yano the way I said this is like a diary well seeing as it's public I canne write everything on here.. sozza! Just know I've had a good week and been experiencing butterflies a lot! :)

So as a happy Charlotte I'm just going to type and see what comes out. I think I'll start off with what's happened today!

I causally got up at 12 noon (standard) and then went shopping with my mum and grandma :3 As it is boiling hot today I decided to wear a long skirt! ME in a skirt when I'm not heading out, this is when you know it is SUMMER! The downer on today was the fact that I had tummy cramps which left me feeling like I was going to puke if I didn't get pain killers in me ASAP! But we got that sorted and I'm pretty much all good. The worst thing about girls is hormones, mine have been especially bad recently leaving me:

1. Crying for no reason
2. Fainting (as you do)
3. Feeling VERY nauseous
4. Cramping it up very suddenly

Gah. Oh well the weather has brought up my spirits and I'm feeling okay right now (apart from being rather tired!). Anyway on with my day! After shopping I came up to my room to die a little by myself then my mummy made me a cuppa tea and I sat outside with my parents and the dog for a little while trying my absolute best not to burn because my dad used to be ginger so I'm sure that gene is in me somewhere (if you do biology then you can tell me if this is indeed true). So I didn't get burnt, YAY, I now have an abundance of freckles on my arms, legs and face! Anywhere that's been in the sun really! I don't mind it's just like a partial tan ;)

So I've just had dinner and here I am :) I'm going to head out for a wee drive hopefully the beach and I wana bring a towel this time so I can sit on the sand and be cool :) hehe

Lots of sunny love,

Charlotte :3

It's just one of those gloirious days...

So Bangor has been rather amazing to me this week. I couldn't have asked for a better week in this beautiful little town!

I started off the week watching two amazing sun sets because I freaking love them and the weather has been fab as well, it actually feels like summer! :D The downside to that is the fact I'm pure ulster scots so I burn very easily and have a wonderful semi circle on my back from where my top was :( Oh well I love it being this sunny!! Puts me in such a good mood!

Last night I had a few people round to watch Sherlock Holmes which is quite frankly an amazing movie which my wonderful, slightly normal friend Belinda absolutely loves! I personally like it because of the fighting in slow motion stuff! It's FAB! It also helps if you have an amazing bunch of people round as well, just made my night!

I can truly say that right now, the people who I have in my life are amazing! There's not one time when I feel like I couldn't invite all my friends round to my house, everyone from different friend groups and they wouldn't all get along because they're all so amazing and I love you all! :) Ahh just got all sentimental on it there.. that doesn't usually happen as I'm usually ranting! Hehe!

I'm off to enjoy the rest of my day!

Charlotte :3